Sitting on the stairs of the locker bays, I pan my view to the skies. They're bright and blue, an antilogy to the wind which beats into my blazer leaving me, as usual, shivering and dreaming of dark hot chocolate with marshmallows. When I say 'hot chocolate', I mean the denotative meaning of the lexeme, not the connotative one. I'm still dreaming of this when I hear a voice. A voice of a bird cawing. A damned raven is sitting on the branch with blue eyes, a shade lighter than the sky I see. We stare at each other. I know that I'm crazy because a part of me believes that it knows me. Encaptured by this bird, I can't take my eyes off it. It speaks to me. It speaks to me of dark and sad things and things I can't explain. It speaks to me of an empty place of a missing person. It speaks to me of reflection, regret and reason. And lastly it speaks of hope and hope being crushed. It cocks it's head to the side. Caws one last time. Then hops, off the branch, across the path and behind the bays where I hear the sound of it taking off, almost as if it didn't want me to watch it's magnificent flight. And leaves me to sit and stare where it once was. To reflect, regret and to reason.

and blah. exams blah. mum's coming back today blah. she's going to have a fit when she sees my room blah. I don't think i'll blog anymore blah. I don't know blah. blarghhhhhh.

chem. chem. chem. chem. chem. chem. chem. chem. chem. chem. chem. chem. chem. chem. chem. chem. chem. chem. chem. chem. chem. chem. chem. chem. chem. chem. chem. chem. chem. chem. chem. chem. chem. chem. chem. chem. chem. chem. chem. chem. chem. chem. chem. chem. chem. chem. chem. chem.

yeah. procrastinating. fun.

Yes...

It's funny. How the smallest little comment can make you insecure. And that's all I'm saying.

Not to you.

What. is. wrong. with. you.? Not you. RAWR. rwag. ylitliug. Did I mention RAWR? and rage/

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I'm siiiick TT__TT I could breathe this morning. Not so much now. But I could... *sigh* it's getting worrrrrrrse. Then tomorrow it's braces time. *sigh*.

17

In one month, I will turn seventeen. In one month, I will feel no different because when I turned sixteen, nothing happened and life forged on. When you turn a year older, you expect things to be different. After all, it's a year, right? A whole three hundred and sixty five (or four) days which consist of twenty four hours each and 60 minutes within each our, you'd expect that after all that time something would happen. Or maybe it was so gradual that I didn't notice. Years are defined by human terms. As I type this, I am reminded of a book that Tamora Pierce wrote. The character Keladry was passing over the border of a country into another and was surprised that it looked exactly the same. Borders are defined by human terms, and years are defined by human terms.

But I guess change comes so gradually in life that we hardly notice. You don't see the grass growing, you just notice it's taller. You don't notice when the change is occurring, you just see the outcome. But is the change necessarily bad? Because something has changed, does that mean it's bad.? I guess I'm kinda wondering. Because I have changed, am I- bad? Of course, if I do ask people that, the obvious thing they would reply is a joke or saying 'Of course not.' But in all seriousness (am I too serious...), is me changing a bad thing? Because I honestly like who I am. Well, not all of me. I'm not perfect, but I don't want to change things about me o_o. But is that bad? Ugh. The circle and train of thoughts that loop around your mind.

The current world's view is that "It's okay to be yourself". That's what people are convincing each other, but we all know that that's just words. I have no clue why it's this way. Maybe we all try to convince ourselves that we're really good-hearted people when, really, we're not. Or maybe that's just me = P Oh well. Time to stop thinking again.

To you, for who else would read this >_>

*sigh*. For reasons unknown, it feels as though the days just fly by. And though I said I highly anticipated the future, I regret that there never seems enough time. In two days, I can only get 1 piece of homework done. I feel so stuck. But how to stop this listless feeling that freezes me in this block of time?

A quote from 'The Girl Who Leapt Through Time' summarises my current train of thought perfectly.

"Time waits for no one." Yes, I know, it's probably not the first time that that idiom has been mentioned, but it sounds way cooler when they say it because they have heavy Japanese accents. Which basically means that I have to get more active and somehow find a way to get more energy. Which would be hard to do as my parents regard anything to do with going outside as unsafe and doing anything extra-curricular would interfere with my studies. Perhaps it is the internet eating away my precious time, as although I come home and resolve to stay away, for some reason or another, I convince myself of the need to use my computer for one purpose or another and soon enough, my whole evening is gone. And all I know is that I see a bed and that it calls me.

So I bid you farewell, kind gentleman, for reading this. I suspect you have more time to waste than I if you actually want to read this stuff >_>. lol. cya.

To you to who it concerns.

I don't want you to think that I'm angry at you, or that I think that you're a terrible person for it. I don't. Honestly. I might think you're making a mistake that will haunt you for the rest of your life, but I don't hold you to it. You're probably going to rebut everything I say, I don't blame you, 'cause I'd probably do the same.

But I wouldn't be much of a friend if I didn't try to warn you. And you may think that you know what I mean but you don't.. I know at least that much of you that I know that you won't understand and it's kinda something you only learn through experience and is only learnt the hard way for some. Some meaning; us hard-headed people = p. And no, I refuse to stop giving you this 'plethora of cryptic clues' and maybe you'll blame me for it later, but seriously, you wouldn't change your mind even if I told you and I'd really not like to tell you.

I don't really know what to do, because everything I say to you, you'll probably take it the wrong way or take it offensively, because other than really wanting to shout at you and tell you that for once it's not me being naive, I think anything normal I say will come out wrong.. And if you take it the wrong way, again, I don't blame you.

So. I'm stuck in this place. And I think, yeah, I'll be a coward and send you a message to let you know I've written this instead of talking to you. but know that the reason I'm not talking to you isn't really your fault. You said; "Because you clearly have lost touch with who I am" It kinda has nothing to do with who you are. Or maybe it does. lol, unwittingly you kinda insulted me (my being) by that. but like. It's true, you're stronger than me. Yeah yeah, I'll stop it with your so called clues. They are not clues by the way. I do not want you to ever find out about this. Ugh. I hate thinking in circles. I do it so often it's really not funny. Because I understand both sides, I don't come to any solution. Really, it sucks. >sigh

If they say the choices in our lives define who we are, I must be a pretty crapped up person. Which I kinda am = p.

>sigh. Sorry. Yeah. and sorry. truly.

p.s I hope you haven't read this before I edited this.

Mrs Rachel Lynde is Surprised

I thought long and hard about a title for this memorable occasion, my first blog after searching the shallow depths of my bookshelf, I even considered the Bible, and as much as I love the Bible and all, Genesis is too much of a cliche for me to handle. So I picked the next book in the case which didn't have 'Chapter 1' for it's starting chapter and then, though, it is a strange title and book to choose, I'm glad I chose it, for symbolic reasons.

There's rare a time I type something up that I don't delete, so I expect this blog to be pretty much empty. So what to start off with? I swear, I had almost three topics planned out when I got to my book shelf >_> Oh well. I suppose it'll come back to me later. I'll start typing other random stuff, like my profile now.